Sea of Broken Dreams

I want to paint.

I want to produce children’s storybooks. I want to paint a smile on people’s faces through my work. I want people to feel the warm embrace of Jesus through the pieces that my hands make.

Childhood dreams of going far and wide to the endless spaces of the midnight sky filled with shining stars. I thought nothing could stop me from reaching my dreams, riding clouds on blissful winds.

But I grow older each year. I slowly, painfully, realize, that maybe, it just won’t happen.

The passion that once painted my skies pink, turned to grey. The hopeful gaze in my eyes, slowly faded away. 

I am getting older. That’s a fact that I cannot manipulate or change. Time is ticking, age is growing, passion is fading, dreams are falling.

Is there still hope? Or will my mornings be filled of regrets and daily toiling for finances just to pay off debts and necessities?

If God placed this dream in my heart, gave me the passion to create and spread His love, blessed me the hands that could paint His beauty, then why. Why am I not doing what I dreamt to be doing?

I wake up with no direction, no zeal, no art. I yearn to spread my wings. But how can I? When it is locked with responsibilities of adulthood?

Am I capable of reaching my dreams? When my mind is stuck in the past of hopes and dreams. Is everything just a myth, a life filled with disappointments and hurt? What is my dream?

It’s gone. It drowned in the sea of burdens, regrets, disappointments, responsibilities, finances, painful relationships, and consistent daydreams.

My heart is broken.

I don’t know how to get up from this.

I can’t see the silver lining.

The rainbows are hiding.

The stars are falling.

I am drowning in the sea of broken dreams.

Goodbye Sadness

Sadness is my daily challenge.

Ever since I was little, sadness has been my struggle. Its a question that I ask myself up to now, “Why am I always sad?" The older I get, the harder it gets.

Its a weird kind of sadness, its a sadness that makes me want to run away from life and basically just end it. Imagine a ten or eleven year old thinking of ways to end her life, when she should be out playing and enjoying life. Don’t get me wrong, I have wonderful parents who love me and siblings who care for me. They’re amazing people and they are not the reason of my sadness, actually, they’re my greatest supporters and encouragers to live and be happy.

This sadness.. This is my battle, my battle inside of me.

When I was young, every week I was sad. Now being in my 20s, everyday I fight with sadness. I think my being an artist, has a big connection to this battle. Waking up and staying happy until I sleep is a dream for me.

And dreams come true, not everyday, but they come true. :)

God.. God has been my strength, my hope, and my greatest foundation. He never left me and He is my reason why I am still alive today, breathing, living. He’s my sunshine during my stormy childhood days; and now all grown up, He sent me an angel. :)

Everyday I wake up with a message that he is there and that God loves me. Everyday reminding me that life is beautiful and I have to live because someday we’ll get married. God sent me an angel, who makes sure i have no space for sadness, as much as he can. Who reminds me everyday that I am a wonderful and talented artist, a beautiful woman. Who always gives me the positive side of every problem. Who makes it a point to see me everyday, even for a short time, just so that I won’t feel lonely.

I really wanted to give up on myself, but God sent me this angel who showers me with so much love. Love that is so selfless and pure. Love that makes me go back to God, that shows me glimpses of what God’s love is.

The more that this person loves me, the more that I look to God. This precious gift of God that helps me want to live life to its fullest. I can never thank God enough for my best friend, my lover. :) 

When i wake up, i still feel that sadness, but this time, I am fighting. Because someone is fighting with me. :)

Thank you God for this wonderful man,my future husband. <3

Special Fairytale

In each little girl's heart, there is one fairytale that never leaves her heart.

I have watched all the Disney Fairytales and maybe several love stories, but there is one fairytale that is too close to my heart that always brings joy into my heart whenever I watch it. I have watched it countless of times and I never get tired of it. From the graphics, to the music, to the story, to the colours, to the voices, to the smallest details of her crown, i love it.

Whenever I need inspiration to draw or to do anything creative, I make sure Disney's Tangled is playing on my background. But there are several scenes, that always makes me watch no matter what I am doing. :)

The First Scene: The opening song.

I love how artistic Rapunzel is. Isolated in a tower, all she can do is create things, and creating things is endless! I mean she baked, read books, made candles, made dresses, cooked, knitted, did ballet, pottery, sketched, painted walls. .  she painted a lot. But. .  in the end of the day, she knew there was something more than the things she created. She wanted to know what was "out" there. I can't help but feel the same way. . . There is so much creativity inside of me, and i love it to bits! But, i can't help but have the feeling of wanting something more than what I can imagine. I want to "see" what is out there.

The Second Scene: When the Rapunzel Healed Eugene's Hand.

Eugene finished Rapunzel's song. . . He didn't let go of her hair. It felt deep for me. Rapunzel showed him her deepest secret, she thought more about his needs and risked the fact that he will freak out. Her hair was her identity, it was her whole being. She showed Eugene who she really was. . and Eugene's reaction was priceless. He was honest enough to almost freak out, but he didn't get scared :) Most men get scared the moment women open up to them. . When Rapunzel shared her story of not leaving the tower, Eugene's question, "You never left that tower. . and You're still gonna go back?" He listened. He saw her heart. :) Most men miss the heart of women.

I loved the moment Rapunzel went near and listened intently when Eugene opened up. Most women does all the talking, and men barely talk because most women forget that they should listen as well and its most likely that its only them that their man would ever open up to. They miss that beautiful moment because of their selfishness. Yes I am guilty.

Lastly, when Rapunzel was smiling and Eugene had to take his attention off of her. :) Such a romantic moment. A lady's smile is what makes her beautiful, i think a lot of women has forgotten this.

The Third Scene: When the King sheds a tear before they release the lantern.

I can't get over the fact that a man. A dad. A high positioned man, a king - teared up. The Queen didn't cry, the King, the father did. This scene feels so real to me. . . A man is crying, while a woman is comforting, that's something deep that i couldn't explain. The love of a father for his daughter is priceless. I wonder where those men are. There are just too much single moms. Where are the men who has a father's heart? Such a rare find. The King's love reminds me so much of God's love for me. .  . :)

The Fourth Scene: The Floating Lights

The music. The scenery. The moment. The midnight sky. Its priceless. I would never ever get tired of this scene.

"Where are we going?"

"Best day of your life, I think we should have a decent seat."

"I'm terrified. What if its not everything I would dream it would be?"

"It will be."

He was there for her. At the time when she is about to face her biggest dream, at a time when she is so scared, when she starts to doubt herself, he was there. He was there and assured her that her dream is beautiful to the point that he even got lanterns for both of them. .  its like him saying, "I am with you in this, i believe in what you believe in, you can do it.". . its simply, wow.

The moment the music plays, I can't help but feel like I am where Rapunzel is. This is a dream wedding for me. .  to have floating lights. The floating lights is quite symbolic. . When she saw the lights, she saw her dream, but the moment she let go of her own lantern, she let go of her childhood dream for a new one. .  :) Its that time that i felt that she let go of her being a child and embraced a new chapter of her life. I want to let go of a lantern the moment i tie a knot with my future spouse. I want to let go of my single life and openly embrace marriage life.

I can't help but think about how Rapunzel must've felt when she saw the lights, her dream ever since she was a little child. . . and how she let it go with someone special. :) I wonder what felt more magical.

When Rapunzel showed Eugene his crown, his most prized possession, he put it down. He gave it up for her; that crown was his pride, that was his life, that was his trophy. When it was Eugene's part of the song,  I saw how much of a prince he was. :) When he stared at Rapnuzel with a smile, it was so romantic. :) It amazing how a man falls in love with a woman. . How he gives up a lot of things just for her :) He held her hand, at that moment he has decided to pursue her. But he knew that he could not love her fully unless he lets go of his past life. He didn't kiss her just yet. :) He respected her. He knew he wasn't worthy of her love yet, he took responsibility just for her. Its simply beautiful. . . Respect is the true meaning of love.

The floating lights on the midnight sky, simply amazing... In real life, it would be amazingly breathtaking.

For now, I will end it here. I'm just so happy at the moment thinking about the lights. :) Will continue to write about the other scenes soon... :)

The Fifth Scene: When Eugene died on the tower, the silence.
The Sixth Scene: The Hug after Eugene opened his eyes.
The Seventh Scene: When The guard opened the doors.
The Eighth Scene: When the Queen and King saw Rapunzel for the first time.

<3

Forgotten Happily Ever Afters

Every little girl had dreamt of a happily ever after. Growing up, sometimes they cling to it, and some forget about them, but happily ever afters surely has a part in each of their hearts.

As these little girls grow up, they slowly see the reality of life. That there is no glass shoe, there is no beast, there is no prince charming, and there is no floating lights. As men began to love them, they forget about the love that they once dreamt of when they were little. Love that is so pure and so innocent. The innocence of love is a rare gem to find.

I was once that little girl. I even dreamt of being with a prince charming! That maybe someday, I could marry a prince. But you know, being a prince charming is not about the title, but its about a man's heart. I still yearn and believe on my Happily ever after. It might not be as magical as the ones on the cartoons that i once watched. . but i know that happily ever afters exist. The innocence of love, despite our stained generation, is still alive in the hearts of the chosen men, who decided to love in purity and not in lust.

I may have made my own mistakes, but I know that there is still hope for an innocent love. Innocent love that is full of joy, full of love, full of pureness, full of kindness, care, trust, and mostly, respect. I believe in Happily Ever Afters, and I know, someday I will tie the knot with my prince charming. :)

Pray for the Philippines

I'm Okay

Loneliness.

It is one of the things that dig deep in the heart.

I think I just lost my connection to my best friend, and its such a hard thing to move on with. There's so much that I want to cover it up with, but i think the only one that could cover it up is to keep on working. Being an emotional person isn't so easy. It's actually quite insane to face life without telling anyone how your day was or how things are going thru. But I guess is the best for both of us. :)

It just hurts so much, endless nights of crying. Losing a connection with your best friend is really depressing. Actually its rather really painful. There's no one to talk to now, only journals and endless shallow conversations with other people. I think I got really hurt deep inside. I think the walls are up again. I don't want anyone in there anymore.

So many disappointments, so many changes, so many insecurities. This is what happens when the connection just disappears. I'm very happy tho for my best friend. Best friend has a better life now and has the things that I wish I had. I guess it's really time to let go and not let anyone in for awhile.

Yes this is rather quite depressing. Cause it really is. Can't stop crying. Everything changed. It hurts but i guess its for the better, but it doesn't mean I won't get hurt and be depressed.

Such a sad season of my life. Such sadness eating me inside. I should prepare myself for food and movies, find a way to hide the scar inside.

Smile bandaids, we meet again.

I'm okay.

<3

Music & Art

Hey, Shirielise is the name, and right now, I'm very inspired and I think the artist in me just wants to speak out from the bottom of her heart, this is quite rare, for the artist inside of me usually hides, scared of rejection of the craft she made out of her heart.

I am twenty-three and if you ask me what is my ambition is, this is what I would say. My dream is to sing and to create arts.

Yes.

As simple as that.

Ever since I was a kid, I knew I was different. I knew I see things differently, I knew that I would be an outcast at some point. I was actually, several times, and this is why the artist inside of me learned how to hide and sometimes it comes out sincerely, just like now.

I am writing this to tell you what is in my mind when I am inspired, when the artist in me isn't hiding.

I want to sing. The only reason why I want to sing is because I want people to hear what God has given me. I want people to feel the love that God has showered upon my life, and i want people to hear the sweetness of the Lord. When I was still small, around 5 or 6. I know I offered my voice to the Lord. If i sing, I only sing His music. I sing because I love Him. I sing because I want Him to sing through me. That is why i sing. That is the only reason why I sing. When I sing I want them to feel the Holy Spirit, I want them to feel how beautiful it is to be in the arms of the Father, how intimate He is. How near He really is. I want to sing with feelings, with emotions, with passion. Not just anything ordinary, not just any song. I want people to hear my heart and He is dwelling in my heart. I want my voice to be the embrace that God wants to give to His children. I want my voice to be His tunnel, His bridge to let people hear His love for them intimately.

I want to draw. I want to draw digitally. I've always want to draw. I've always wanted to draw but I wasn't good at it. My hands were too heavy. But thank God, He showed me digital arts, and that was my medium. My medium to show people the beauty that God has created. I wanted to create illustrations that show the love of God. I wanted to place who I am entirely on what i draw. I wanted to hear that when people see my art, they'll say, "Hey! that's shiriel's! That's her art, that's her!" and when they see my craft. .  I want them to feel what I felt when I made it. I want them to be happy. :) I want them to feel God's love and touch. I want them see peace and rest, I want my art to bring comfort to them, to make them stop for awhile, to think, and to thank God of His goodness. I want to draw, because this is my communion with God. Whenever I draw digitally, I can feel God with me, I can feel Him working with me, speaking to me. This is why I draw digitally. It's like another world that God is showing me.

This is why I do arts. This is why I sing.

On top of that. My biggest dream would be, to have a coffee shop. A coffee shop that would be a home for artists. That would give them a place of belongingness. Where they could create their own world, where they could reveal the artist in them without anyone holding them back, to give them a palace of encouragement and inspiration. A place of art, music, and coffee, and most of all, a place where God's love is shown in so many ways. :) This is my biggest dream.

Quite frankly. I don't know how to start. I don't know where to sing. I don't know where to show my digital arts. I don't know. But He does. I'm getting older, but my faith will never falter. God said, He'll never fail me, He'll never leave me and He has a future so bright for me. I am His little artist. I know He is proud of me. I know I am God's Smile. and I am His song. I will never stop showing people the Love of the Lord that He wants to give so freely. I will never stop believing. Even If I fail. Even If I fall, even if I lose so many things. I will cling to Him. I will face these mountains with Him and He will be my greatest destination. I will live up these dreams. Just because.

Just because I love Him and He made me an artist.

And I love every single bit of how He has created me. <3

I love you Daddy God. <3

Unexpected Sadness

You know those moments when you just feel so lonely, down, and sad? When you cry out not knowing why you were even crying. When you feel like you're a burden to everybody. It's the feeling that you want to talk to your intimates, but you feel like you can give them nothing but burden. You want to speak out and say what's wrong and fix it, but you just don't know how to say it.

You know that feeling when you just don't understand why you're sad. You want to be happy but you can't be happy. You try to eat, shop, do all of these things, but in the end, it's the same. You feel lonely. You feel sad, you feel like your life is worthless, you feel like there is nothing for you anymore.

You try to come and talk to your friends, but you just hate the mere fact of burdening them. And so you hide it all instead by shelling inside. At least no body else gets hurt but yourself. You think of all these happy thoughts, and you feel like you'll never have them today. All you have is tears, loneliness, and ignorance & rejection from the world. It's not as if they reject or neglect you, but you yourself neglect and reject yourself.

It's a bottomless pit of sadness. You keep eating. You keep getting fatter. You end up getting sad about the weight. It's sad. You want to make things better by talking to people you love the most, but you shell out instead. it's so painful inside. So very painful. And all your loved ones could say is, "okay, if that's what you want." Can't you see? I want you to put some effort. If you really really care, please go beyond the words and look into the heart. It's wailing, wanting for attention and love.

I guess that's it.

You just want to feel loved. To actually FEEL it.

Feel it.

Feel.

feel.

. . .

Mysterious Love

"You should leave some mystery when you're in a relationship." They say.

The first time i heard that, I really wondered why. I mean if you're in a relationship, shouldn't you be open and show the other person who you really are so that you can both see if you're meant for each other or not? I really was against the saying above when i was younger.

But things change when you grow up and when you get more exposure to people's relationships.

Mystery is indeed very important in a relationship. A healthy relationship should have a bit of a mystery between the two. A mystery keeps a relationship going, it gives that "goal" perspective and it gives a feeling of pursuing in both sides.

Placing everything on the platter kills the excitement and it produces boredom. Where there is no mystery in a relationship, it is prone to slowly dying; but it is never too late to rejuvenate a dying relationship. All it needs is a spice of mystery and it'll give an aroma of excitement that would lead to the road of a healthy relationship. :)

Afternoon Tea 002

They say everyone has to learn to be independent, to stand on their own feet; but really i wonder, does that apply to every single person? 'Cause i thought everyone is different. I'm learning how to be independent, but I'm getting extremely lonely despite the fact that there are people around.

Afternoon Tea 001

The truth is, I really love God. But I really don't like the idea that He is seen as my religion and thus people base my love for God thru my actions and words.

Honor

I was simply eating my breakfast, watching tv, and suddenly, a question spurt out of my head.

"Why isn't there anything that's happening in my life?"

I really didn't expect a reply, but then again, God is full of surprises. I heard a small still voice that said, "Honor your parents." Then images passed through my head, and quite frankly? It weren't pleasing incidents. I haven't been honoring my parents lately. It made me realize how much my parents love me, and how much they've given, and i dishonor them just because of my mood swings and my irritabilities. Just because I am of age, doesn't mean I know everything. My parents still are my parents, and God wants me to honor them, not only because it's His command, but because of love.

A simple question, answered with a simple loving voice. God is indeed an incredible loving God, who never fails to give us surprises and wisdom.

What will i do now? Of course choose to honor my parents. I may not be perfect, but one thing is for sure, i love my parents, and showing them that I love them, makes my God happy. :)

Passion Delayed

I love my art, I love everything about it. .  but somehow, I can't just make them as much as I did before. I think the return of my passion is quite delayed.

Art is my life. I remembered the days when I was sad, or happy, creating arts is where I express how i truly feel inside. But now. . . It just stopped. Just like that. I tried to look back and tracked where it started to stop. I found out, it was when i began to feel lonely, when i began looking for someone else. I was looking for a partner in life.

I think everybody passes thru this pace, or most in general. I yearned to be in someone's arms, i yearned to have somebody special in my heart. Guess what, i actually found someone! And finding that someone, made me lose two important things in my life.

My Passion and My First Love. 

I am not saying that it's his fault that made me lose two of the most important things in my life, what I'm trying to say is, it's my fault. It wasn't him who made me stopped doing the things i love, I chose to stop to have more time with him. It wasn't him who made me stop loving my First Love first, it was my choice to put him ahead of my First Love. These were my choices, it wasn't his, it was mine, and I am responsible for my own choices.

Having someone special in my life is a huge blessing, it was never a curse. My First Love gave him as a gift to me. He's my blessing and I am happy that I have him. :) What I'm not happy about is that, how irresponsible I am to just focus on the blessing and forgot about the Giver and all those other important things in my life. . . Too much emotions, too much dependency, too much care. . Too much, was never healthy.

Having someone special in one's life is a blessing, but if that blessing is misused, it can hurt badly. I can't believe that having someone special can be lonely. I thought having a special someone will make me the happiest person in the world and not be lonely EVER. But. . . the thing is, he's human, just like me. Who gets tired, who's not perfect, who can't always be there, who can even fail me. I set aside my passion for arts and my First Love because i was too focused on my blessing, my special someone. .  and look at me now. Tired, unhappy, dysfunctional, unsatisfied, demanding, and would you be surprised, I am extremely lonely.

It's not that he's not there. He's ALWAYS there, but then, I still feel lonely. I feel unloved. I feel empty. I feel lost. I am lost. Why is it this way? Cause again, he's human, just like me. He alone can't feed my needs. . Cause for me to be happy, to be satisfied, I need to have my passion, to release my individuality, to express who I am, and I need to have my First Love, who gave him to me in the first place, my First Love who can only fill my heart's desires and the only One who can give me the security that I need. .  So that when the day comes that my special one would fail me, i still have that security that i need to have the strength to forgive him and to actually still accept him and be my blessing despite his imperfections. <3

I'm bringing them back in my life. . . My Passion and my First Love, that's my own choice.

Relationships

There is no perfect relationship, only faithful relationships. :)

Random Ponderings

It's just one of those nights when I ponder about my future. .
I wonder how my future house would look like,
How many kids will I have?
How my husband and I would have dinner together.
How I will take care of the house. .
How it will be when I have a family of my own.

I guess I'm just at that age where I yearn to have my own life.
My own happy home, my own family, my own knight in shining armor.

Just as I was so engrossed of my future
I looked around in my room,
My shelves, My messy clothes, My table. .
My own bed, my own door, my own closet. .
I realized. .  that I had so much. .

I had so much to thank about,
I had so much to enjoy at the moment.
I have so much to make good memories of.

My own family, my own house, my own knight will come.
Just not now, And yet. .
I still have thousands upon thousands of reasons to be content. .
To be thankful. .  to be happy about. .
Because in a few years time. .
All of these will be nothing but a memory. .

Might as well enjoy every bit of it. <3

A Woman's Betrayer

Emotions. A woman's greatest betrayer is her own emotions. With no control, she drowns in her ocean of various emotions. Although right now, there is one type of emotion that brings so much damage to herself, and to the people around her.

Jealousy.

Jealousy is insane when its towards someone because of a certain special someone. It is deadly, it is lonely, it is empty. It's a sad emotion to keep. I don't understand why there are a lot of women who hides this emotion. I tried to hide it, but it actually made things worse! And i've seen how unfair it is to the person concerned.

Jealousy isn't something worth keeping, worth hiding. It is something that has to be brought out of the light, something that HAS to be talked about. When jealousy is present in the heart, every person around you is a threat. You lose sight of the goodness of your friendship with other people and you see competitiveness instead. It's lonely because you can't see any good in the people around you anymore. You destroy trust and faith inside of you. It's not a happy place to be in.

Choosing your emotions over your relationships is very stupid and crappy. It's selfish, and girl, i tell you, it's self condemnation and it's a place that you can easily get away from, don't let yourself drown on those worthless and nonsense self-pity or self-condemnation thoughts, cause you know? You're beautiful and jealousy is taking that away from you.

In this life, jealousy is sure to knock at your heart's door. There is so much to be jealous about. Circumstances, material things, money, beauty, achievements, and a lot of other things, but most especially, relationships. Don't let jealousy destroy a beautiful relationship, let it be your friends, best friends, boyfriends, or spouses.

Having someone special in your life is the most beautiful thing God has ever created. It is the breath of God patching both of you together in His warm embrace. It is an expression of His great love for you. Don't let jealousy blind you. Rather let it help you communicate your emotions to your special someone. Let them know who you are. Don't be ashamed to show how much of a human you really just are. If they get mad at you, at least you were real. Don't hide who you are. You're a woman, you feel this emotion.

Jealousy isn't something worth keeping. It deceives you to be strong and powerful; it's pride. Don't let those things steal you of your relationship.

Pride can never, EVER, level up to the beauty of the feeling of having someone special in your life. Step on that pride, and communicate why you're jealous. Do it now, before those crappy thoughts eat you alive. Before you lose your special someone, and before you lose every relationship connected to it. Think about it, it's rather destroying your innocence in loving someone. Don't let that happen cause you hurt God as well.

Reaching Dreams

When I was a kid, I always looked forward to reaching my dreams.
I studied hard, did everything to make my art look good and worked hard for confidence.
Now that I am in my senior year, graduating this school year in college. . .
Things did not turn out the way I imagined it to be.

Don't get me wrong, I was honestly expecting the hardships the challenges.
I imagined the discrimination, the doubts, the financial challenges, and the criticisms.
But there is one thing that I have never thought about. .
Something I never expected to actually pull me down big time and actually discourage me.

Me.

The biggest challenge i have right now, is the battle within myself.
My self-pity, my fears, my indecisiveness, my own expectations.
My own doubts with my own craft, My own pessimism towards my art.
My own criticism with my own art, my own condemnation.

My being perfectionist.

This is one of the most challenging factors to face when one reaches her dream.
Being a perfectionist is something that has to be controlled and balanced.
It's somewhat unhealthy when you focus so much on making all things good,
And actually forgetting that you make art to be happy, not to make money.

I guess thats the point, reaching one's dream and providing for her own needs,
Is the biggest battle any artist could face into reaching her dreams.
It's no joke to graduate and risk reaching one's dream over a sure steady job.
It is a battle between having money with no dream against having a dream with no money.

But then again, you'll never know what can happen.
Quite frankly, all you need is God's Hands over your dreams,
And accepting His Grace and trusting Him that He provides for all your needs.
So you get your dreams and the provision that you actually need.

The secret to reaching one's dreams is actually keeping one's eyes on Him. :)

God's Best

A conversation between two different people who loves God. I hope this inspires you as much as it has inspired me. :)

________

I honestly like you a lot, and maybe something more than that.
I'm very scared to lose you & very scared to know the truth about us.
What if God really doesn't mean for us to be together?
How exactly can I react to that?
Do I let you go or do I rebel and stay with you?
But someday hear from someone that I should have waited for God's best.
Cause if we're not meant for each other, we at some percentage destroy something inside of us.
Before I always would let go of anything for God. . .
But somehow when it came to the matters of the heart, I am somehow divided.
I am so scared to lose you, but I am more scared to disappoint God.
I love God so much, but I'm extremely scared to lose you.
Somehow I wonder if this happens to other people.
I am so much concerned of what God wants, that I don't want to make a mistake.

________

That's why we're lessening everything at the moment.
Because we still don't know if we're meant for each other.
That's why we're lessening, to detach ourselves from each other.
So that if ever one day, we find out that God doesn't want us to be together, then we can take it.
We have to be strong for us to go through that.
There might be someone else there that God wants for you.
I want to be with you, but if God doesn't want me to, no matter how hurtful it truly is for me, I will have to let go.
Even if you don't want to let go, I will.
No matter how much I really don't want to.
But as long as I know it's for the best of us, especially you, then we'll be fine.
We just have to be strong.
But i do pray, every single day that we'll be together.
And i know that He's listening to me.
I know that He hears the cries of my heart. What I REALLY want and that I'd do practically anything to be with her.
He listens to me, and that's what eases my doubts of the future.
That I've done everything I can to be with you, and even with that, we still won't be together, then it really isn't meant to be.
I know that if ever we're together, and its not supposed to be, we will never be happy, We will always have our conscience talking to us.
So no matter which way it goes, God will always be with us.

________

We will follow God no matter what.
He knows what's best for us.
I cannot comprehend the idea of not being with you & spending my life with another guy.
But i do understand & believe that He's not doing this because He's controlling us. .
Rather because He knows what's best for us.
I want to be with you, but if there's another girl who's far more better than I am that will suit you better, then I will let go.
Not because of rebellion against God, but rather because of my utmost care about you.
Only God knows if we'll be together, but at this moment, you are the best for me.
Now I understand what it truly means, "If you really love somebody, you let them go,"
It's not a heroic act, but rather an act of wisdom and complete understanding of what "love" really means.
I'll be honest, up until now, I am searching for the real meaning of those three little words.
Whatever happens between us, we leave it all to God.

________

One Difference

"I think we should ask her to model for us," my classmate asked.
"Nah, i think her nose is too pointed and white," I replied.

A few days after, there was a rumor about a young talented artist that committed suicide.

I didn't care much, I just prayed to God her family would be okay. Until I asked my classmate who the person was.

"Oh! remember that girl I pointed to and asked if she could model for us? The pretty white girl? That's her. It's really sad."







Believe me. My mind went blank, and it rarely happens.

Lots of things went through my mind. But one thing never left my head. "What if we took her in as our model? Would it have made a difference?"

Nothing happens by chance, only by choice. Somehow, i feel like the Holy Spirit whispered to me that I should take her in, cause quite frankly, i wanted to, but she was already far from us, so i didn't bother.

I know I have nothing to do with that girl, but somehow i wonder, if ever I talked to her, would it have made a difference? I think it would at some point.

If I asked her to model for us, she would've been in the pictorial rather than in her room alone. I know it's not my fault, i have nothing to do with it, but it could have made one difference.

It's so easy for us to ignore the voice of the Holy Spirit, easy to judge other people of their appearance, easy to disregard them just like centavo coins. One obedience, could have made one difference.

It's been months since that incident in our school, but it never left me, and i believe that is no coincidence as well. I do believe God is teaching me something, its not to strengthen my fear, but to strengthen my faith. Making One difference, means to be different.

I wonder how many teenagers are committing suicide just because of loneliness, of ignorance.

I think about my life, my dreams. I want to be a fashion designer to be able to produce money for missions, to be a money maker for people who reach out to other people. What a lonely life. God gave me the opportunity to reach out to other people, and that's not just supporting them financially, but it's about having an ear to listen, eyes to see the need, a mouth to give encouragement & care, and arms so long to give a hug.

I got my perspective all wrong. It's not about making the money and giving it to the poor. It's about giving to the poor and using God's money to provide.

Mary poured her alabaster jar on Jesus' feet. She could've sold that alabaster jar and gave the huge amount of money to feed the hungry, but she chose to use it to honor Jesus. My eyes shouldn't be on the blessings, they should be on the Provider.

It takes one obedience to make one difference. I don't know how much people I've missed just because I've ignored the Holy Spirit. It just makes you want to cry. This is not about religion, it's about life. One love for God, can make one life for another.

I think, it's time to make one choice.

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.
Matthew 22:37


This movie inspired me to write about this post. http://tosavealifemovie.com/

Hear and Obey

I compromise, I make lots of excuses, I can be pretty lazy, I ignore, but most of all I don't listen when it doesn't make sense in my head.

Ever since I was a kid, my father has taught me to read the Bible and pray. I like praying and singing to God, but reading the Bible? That's my biggest problem. Still I read the Bible, but usually, its out of, you know, obeying. I had a happy childhood, I am a very bright and smiley and colorful kid, I saw life full of happiness and I knew life is beautiful.


Until, I grew up.


Everything changed. Busy here, busy there. Cramming here, cramming there. Stress, pressure, sleepless nights. Everything just changed. The once happy-go-lucky girl became skeptical and pessimistic. The worst I guess is, I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying to God. I began to doubt.

I saw the Bible as paper. A normal book, something educational, something stressful for me to even read. I don't like books without pictures, it bores me, and somehow that's how I saw the Bible and so I began to set it aside. I continued to pray, I continued to minister, but i barely opened the Bible.

A time came into my life that i began to get depressed. Continuous disappointments and major changes in life is not easy to handle especially when one is too emotional. I began to tire people because of my needs and i began to cry without even knowing why I'm crying. I stopped seeing art as something i love to do, i began to push people away. I even thought of ending my life cause i feel like nothing good will come out of this life.

I told my dad about it, every single detail of it. He knows how much i want to give up on life, but this he never fails to tell me, "God will never give up on you, He is full of mercy and grace, He accepts you despite your imperfections and failures. Life is beautiful when you have God." Hearing that, I knew I had to open my Bible.

Still I was skeptical. The Bible is JUST a book. What can it do? Yeah i read it, but how can it make me feel better? It's just a book. Text written in paper. What difference does it make with the other books? It just doesn't make sense. This is not the answer to the happiness that I am looking for.

I kept looking for other things. Friends. Games. Money. You know, those things that i thought could fill my empty heart, and yet everything is just unsatisfying. No happiness, no beautiful life. I continued to feel downhearted every single day.

Until one day.

I finally decided to give it a try. Okay. I opened my Bible, i said i'll only read a verse but. . the next thing i know, I've read three chapters. It's quite interesting, but i still felt no changes. I went on with my day. . . but as i end my day, i realized something. It's different.

I saw life differently. I don't get it. I just read my Bible, and what i read was totally not connected to what i was doing that day. I don't know, but I was happy that whole day! My mood went up and down, but i didn't stay down, i had the strength to get up! I thought it was just coincidence. So i tried it again the next day. And there! same thing! i was happy! Satisfied!

I was thinking maybe it wasn't the Bible, maybe i just really changed! So I began to not read my Bible again; and one thing I've noticed. I went back to being depressed.

I can't explain this much longer or more detailed, I don't understand it as well. How reading the Bible makes me see the beauty of life. How it makes me feel happy. I don't know, it doesn't make sense; But one thing I know, there are just things in life that we really can't understand. Just like how love suddenly comes into our life, how one person whom we never expect to come, changes our life, how one disaster in our life brings out the biggest blessing there could ever be. It just doesn't make sense, but it happens, and it never fails to make us look up, smile, and thank Him.


All we have to do is listen and obey, even if it doesn't make any sense, and surely everything else will fall into its perfect place. :)


And oh! Add it with prayer? Your day would never be the same again. Everyday is indeed a new day, a simple prayer that makes my life exciting, "Holy Spirit, please guide me today. I want to hear and obey." <3