Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
I'm Okay
Loneliness.
It is one of the things that dig deep in the heart.
I think I just lost my connection to my best friend, and its such a hard thing to move on with. There's so much that I want to cover it up with, but i think the only one that could cover it up is to keep on working. Being an emotional person isn't so easy. It's actually quite insane to face life without telling anyone how your day was or how things are going thru. But I guess is the best for both of us. :)
It just hurts so much, endless nights of crying. Losing a connection with your best friend is really depressing. Actually its rather really painful. There's no one to talk to now, only journals and endless shallow conversations with other people. I think I got really hurt deep inside. I think the walls are up again. I don't want anyone in there anymore.
So many disappointments, so many changes, so many insecurities. This is what happens when the connection just disappears. I'm very happy tho for my best friend. Best friend has a better life now and has the things that I wish I had. I guess it's really time to let go and not let anyone in for awhile.
Yes this is rather quite depressing. Cause it really is. Can't stop crying. Everything changed. It hurts but i guess its for the better, but it doesn't mean I won't get hurt and be depressed.
Such a sad season of my life. Such sadness eating me inside. I should prepare myself for food and movies, find a way to hide the scar inside.
Smile bandaids, we meet again.
I'm okay.
<3
It is one of the things that dig deep in the heart.
I think I just lost my connection to my best friend, and its such a hard thing to move on with. There's so much that I want to cover it up with, but i think the only one that could cover it up is to keep on working. Being an emotional person isn't so easy. It's actually quite insane to face life without telling anyone how your day was or how things are going thru. But I guess is the best for both of us. :)
It just hurts so much, endless nights of crying. Losing a connection with your best friend is really depressing. Actually its rather really painful. There's no one to talk to now, only journals and endless shallow conversations with other people. I think I got really hurt deep inside. I think the walls are up again. I don't want anyone in there anymore.
So many disappointments, so many changes, so many insecurities. This is what happens when the connection just disappears. I'm very happy tho for my best friend. Best friend has a better life now and has the things that I wish I had. I guess it's really time to let go and not let anyone in for awhile.
Yes this is rather quite depressing. Cause it really is. Can't stop crying. Everything changed. It hurts but i guess its for the better, but it doesn't mean I won't get hurt and be depressed.
Such a sad season of my life. Such sadness eating me inside. I should prepare myself for food and movies, find a way to hide the scar inside.
Smile bandaids, we meet again.
I'm okay.
<3
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Music & Art
Hey, Shirielise is the name, and right now, I'm very inspired and I think the artist in me just wants to speak out from the bottom of her heart, this is quite rare, for the artist inside of me usually hides, scared of rejection of the craft she made out of her heart.
I am twenty-three and if you ask me what is my ambition is, this is what I would say. My dream is to sing and to create arts.
Yes.
As simple as that.
Ever since I was a kid, I knew I was different. I knew I see things differently, I knew that I would be an outcast at some point. I was actually, several times, and this is why the artist inside of me learned how to hide and sometimes it comes out sincerely, just like now.
I am writing this to tell you what is in my mind when I am inspired, when the artist in me isn't hiding.
I want to sing. The only reason why I want to sing is because I want people to hear what God has given me. I want people to feel the love that God has showered upon my life, and i want people to hear the sweetness of the Lord. When I was still small, around 5 or 6. I know I offered my voice to the Lord. If i sing, I only sing His music. I sing because I love Him. I sing because I want Him to sing through me. That is why i sing. That is the only reason why I sing. When I sing I want them to feel the Holy Spirit, I want them to feel how beautiful it is to be in the arms of the Father, how intimate He is. How near He really is. I want to sing with feelings, with emotions, with passion. Not just anything ordinary, not just any song. I want people to hear my heart and He is dwelling in my heart. I want my voice to be the embrace that God wants to give to His children. I want my voice to be His tunnel, His bridge to let people hear His love for them intimately.
I want to draw. I want to draw digitally. I've always want to draw. I've always wanted to draw but I wasn't good at it. My hands were too heavy. But thank God, He showed me digital arts, and that was my medium. My medium to show people the beauty that God has created. I wanted to create illustrations that show the love of God. I wanted to place who I am entirely on what i draw. I wanted to hear that when people see my art, they'll say, "Hey! that's shiriel's! That's her art, that's her!" and when they see my craft. . I want them to feel what I felt when I made it. I want them to be happy. :) I want them to feel God's love and touch. I want them see peace and rest, I want my art to bring comfort to them, to make them stop for awhile, to think, and to thank God of His goodness. I want to draw, because this is my communion with God. Whenever I draw digitally, I can feel God with me, I can feel Him working with me, speaking to me. This is why I draw digitally. It's like another world that God is showing me.
This is why I do arts. This is why I sing.
On top of that. My biggest dream would be, to have a coffee shop. A coffee shop that would be a home for artists. That would give them a place of belongingness. Where they could create their own world, where they could reveal the artist in them without anyone holding them back, to give them a palace of encouragement and inspiration. A place of art, music, and coffee, and most of all, a place where God's love is shown in so many ways. :) This is my biggest dream.
Quite frankly. I don't know how to start. I don't know where to sing. I don't know where to show my digital arts. I don't know. But He does. I'm getting older, but my faith will never falter. God said, He'll never fail me, He'll never leave me and He has a future so bright for me. I am His little artist. I know He is proud of me. I know I am God's Smile. and I am His song. I will never stop showing people the Love of the Lord that He wants to give so freely. I will never stop believing. Even If I fail. Even If I fall, even if I lose so many things. I will cling to Him. I will face these mountains with Him and He will be my greatest destination. I will live up these dreams. Just because.
Just because I love Him and He made me an artist.
And I love every single bit of how He has created me. <3
I love you Daddy God. <3
I am twenty-three and if you ask me what is my ambition is, this is what I would say. My dream is to sing and to create arts.
Yes.
As simple as that.
Ever since I was a kid, I knew I was different. I knew I see things differently, I knew that I would be an outcast at some point. I was actually, several times, and this is why the artist inside of me learned how to hide and sometimes it comes out sincerely, just like now.
I am writing this to tell you what is in my mind when I am inspired, when the artist in me isn't hiding.
I want to sing. The only reason why I want to sing is because I want people to hear what God has given me. I want people to feel the love that God has showered upon my life, and i want people to hear the sweetness of the Lord. When I was still small, around 5 or 6. I know I offered my voice to the Lord. If i sing, I only sing His music. I sing because I love Him. I sing because I want Him to sing through me. That is why i sing. That is the only reason why I sing. When I sing I want them to feel the Holy Spirit, I want them to feel how beautiful it is to be in the arms of the Father, how intimate He is. How near He really is. I want to sing with feelings, with emotions, with passion. Not just anything ordinary, not just any song. I want people to hear my heart and He is dwelling in my heart. I want my voice to be the embrace that God wants to give to His children. I want my voice to be His tunnel, His bridge to let people hear His love for them intimately.
I want to draw. I want to draw digitally. I've always want to draw. I've always wanted to draw but I wasn't good at it. My hands were too heavy. But thank God, He showed me digital arts, and that was my medium. My medium to show people the beauty that God has created. I wanted to create illustrations that show the love of God. I wanted to place who I am entirely on what i draw. I wanted to hear that when people see my art, they'll say, "Hey! that's shiriel's! That's her art, that's her!" and when they see my craft. . I want them to feel what I felt when I made it. I want them to be happy. :) I want them to feel God's love and touch. I want them see peace and rest, I want my art to bring comfort to them, to make them stop for awhile, to think, and to thank God of His goodness. I want to draw, because this is my communion with God. Whenever I draw digitally, I can feel God with me, I can feel Him working with me, speaking to me. This is why I draw digitally. It's like another world that God is showing me.
This is why I do arts. This is why I sing.
On top of that. My biggest dream would be, to have a coffee shop. A coffee shop that would be a home for artists. That would give them a place of belongingness. Where they could create their own world, where they could reveal the artist in them without anyone holding them back, to give them a palace of encouragement and inspiration. A place of art, music, and coffee, and most of all, a place where God's love is shown in so many ways. :) This is my biggest dream.
Quite frankly. I don't know how to start. I don't know where to sing. I don't know where to show my digital arts. I don't know. But He does. I'm getting older, but my faith will never falter. God said, He'll never fail me, He'll never leave me and He has a future so bright for me. I am His little artist. I know He is proud of me. I know I am God's Smile. and I am His song. I will never stop showing people the Love of the Lord that He wants to give so freely. I will never stop believing. Even If I fail. Even If I fall, even if I lose so many things. I will cling to Him. I will face these mountains with Him and He will be my greatest destination. I will live up these dreams. Just because.
Just because I love Him and He made me an artist.
And I love every single bit of how He has created me. <3
I love you Daddy God. <3
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Unexpected Sadness
You know those moments when you just feel so lonely, down, and sad? When you cry out not knowing why you were even crying. When you feel like you're a burden to everybody. It's the feeling that you want to talk to your intimates, but you feel like you can give them nothing but burden. You want to speak out and say what's wrong and fix it, but you just don't know how to say it.
You know that feeling when you just don't understand why you're sad. You want to be happy but you can't be happy. You try to eat, shop, do all of these things, but in the end, it's the same. You feel lonely. You feel sad, you feel like your life is worthless, you feel like there is nothing for you anymore.
You try to come and talk to your friends, but you just hate the mere fact of burdening them. And so you hide it all instead by shelling inside. At least no body else gets hurt but yourself. You think of all these happy thoughts, and you feel like you'll never have them today. All you have is tears, loneliness, and ignorance & rejection from the world. It's not as if they reject or neglect you, but you yourself neglect and reject yourself.
It's a bottomless pit of sadness. You keep eating. You keep getting fatter. You end up getting sad about the weight. It's sad. You want to make things better by talking to people you love the most, but you shell out instead. it's so painful inside. So very painful. And all your loved ones could say is, "okay, if that's what you want." Can't you see? I want you to put some effort. If you really really care, please go beyond the words and look into the heart. It's wailing, wanting for attention and love.
I guess that's it.
You just want to feel loved. To actually FEEL it.
Feel it.
Feel.
feel.
. . .
You know that feeling when you just don't understand why you're sad. You want to be happy but you can't be happy. You try to eat, shop, do all of these things, but in the end, it's the same. You feel lonely. You feel sad, you feel like your life is worthless, you feel like there is nothing for you anymore.
You try to come and talk to your friends, but you just hate the mere fact of burdening them. And so you hide it all instead by shelling inside. At least no body else gets hurt but yourself. You think of all these happy thoughts, and you feel like you'll never have them today. All you have is tears, loneliness, and ignorance & rejection from the world. It's not as if they reject or neglect you, but you yourself neglect and reject yourself.
It's a bottomless pit of sadness. You keep eating. You keep getting fatter. You end up getting sad about the weight. It's sad. You want to make things better by talking to people you love the most, but you shell out instead. it's so painful inside. So very painful. And all your loved ones could say is, "okay, if that's what you want." Can't you see? I want you to put some effort. If you really really care, please go beyond the words and look into the heart. It's wailing, wanting for attention and love.
I guess that's it.
You just want to feel loved. To actually FEEL it.
Feel it.
Feel.
feel.
. . .
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Mysterious Love
"You should leave some mystery when you're in a relationship." They say.
The first time i heard that, I really wondered why. I mean if you're in a relationship, shouldn't you be open and show the other person who you really are so that you can both see if you're meant for each other or not? I really was against the saying above when i was younger.
But things change when you grow up and when you get more exposure to people's relationships.
Mystery is indeed very important in a relationship. A healthy relationship should have a bit of a mystery between the two. A mystery keeps a relationship going, it gives that "goal" perspective and it gives a feeling of pursuing in both sides.
Placing everything on the platter kills the excitement and it produces boredom. Where there is no mystery in a relationship, it is prone to slowly dying; but it is never too late to rejuvenate a dying relationship. All it needs is a spice of mystery and it'll give an aroma of excitement that would lead to the road of a healthy relationship. :)
The first time i heard that, I really wondered why. I mean if you're in a relationship, shouldn't you be open and show the other person who you really are so that you can both see if you're meant for each other or not? I really was against the saying above when i was younger.
But things change when you grow up and when you get more exposure to people's relationships.
Mystery is indeed very important in a relationship. A healthy relationship should have a bit of a mystery between the two. A mystery keeps a relationship going, it gives that "goal" perspective and it gives a feeling of pursuing in both sides.
Placing everything on the platter kills the excitement and it produces boredom. Where there is no mystery in a relationship, it is prone to slowly dying; but it is never too late to rejuvenate a dying relationship. All it needs is a spice of mystery and it'll give an aroma of excitement that would lead to the road of a healthy relationship. :)
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