Unexpected Sadness

You know those moments when you just feel so lonely, down, and sad? When you cry out not knowing why you were even crying. When you feel like you're a burden to everybody. It's the feeling that you want to talk to your intimates, but you feel like you can give them nothing but burden. You want to speak out and say what's wrong and fix it, but you just don't know how to say it.

You know that feeling when you just don't understand why you're sad. You want to be happy but you can't be happy. You try to eat, shop, do all of these things, but in the end, it's the same. You feel lonely. You feel sad, you feel like your life is worthless, you feel like there is nothing for you anymore.

You try to come and talk to your friends, but you just hate the mere fact of burdening them. And so you hide it all instead by shelling inside. At least no body else gets hurt but yourself. You think of all these happy thoughts, and you feel like you'll never have them today. All you have is tears, loneliness, and ignorance & rejection from the world. It's not as if they reject or neglect you, but you yourself neglect and reject yourself.

It's a bottomless pit of sadness. You keep eating. You keep getting fatter. You end up getting sad about the weight. It's sad. You want to make things better by talking to people you love the most, but you shell out instead. it's so painful inside. So very painful. And all your loved ones could say is, "okay, if that's what you want." Can't you see? I want you to put some effort. If you really really care, please go beyond the words and look into the heart. It's wailing, wanting for attention and love.

I guess that's it.

You just want to feel loved. To actually FEEL it.

Feel it.

Feel.

feel.

. . .

Mysterious Love

"You should leave some mystery when you're in a relationship." They say.

The first time i heard that, I really wondered why. I mean if you're in a relationship, shouldn't you be open and show the other person who you really are so that you can both see if you're meant for each other or not? I really was against the saying above when i was younger.

But things change when you grow up and when you get more exposure to people's relationships.

Mystery is indeed very important in a relationship. A healthy relationship should have a bit of a mystery between the two. A mystery keeps a relationship going, it gives that "goal" perspective and it gives a feeling of pursuing in both sides.

Placing everything on the platter kills the excitement and it produces boredom. Where there is no mystery in a relationship, it is prone to slowly dying; but it is never too late to rejuvenate a dying relationship. All it needs is a spice of mystery and it'll give an aroma of excitement that would lead to the road of a healthy relationship. :)

Afternoon Tea 002

They say everyone has to learn to be independent, to stand on their own feet; but really i wonder, does that apply to every single person? 'Cause i thought everyone is different. I'm learning how to be independent, but I'm getting extremely lonely despite the fact that there are people around.

Afternoon Tea 001

The truth is, I really love God. But I really don't like the idea that He is seen as my religion and thus people base my love for God thru my actions and words.

Honor

I was simply eating my breakfast, watching tv, and suddenly, a question spurt out of my head.

"Why isn't there anything that's happening in my life?"

I really didn't expect a reply, but then again, God is full of surprises. I heard a small still voice that said, "Honor your parents." Then images passed through my head, and quite frankly? It weren't pleasing incidents. I haven't been honoring my parents lately. It made me realize how much my parents love me, and how much they've given, and i dishonor them just because of my mood swings and my irritabilities. Just because I am of age, doesn't mean I know everything. My parents still are my parents, and God wants me to honor them, not only because it's His command, but because of love.

A simple question, answered with a simple loving voice. God is indeed an incredible loving God, who never fails to give us surprises and wisdom.

What will i do now? Of course choose to honor my parents. I may not be perfect, but one thing is for sure, i love my parents, and showing them that I love them, makes my God happy. :)

Passion Delayed

I love my art, I love everything about it. .  but somehow, I can't just make them as much as I did before. I think the return of my passion is quite delayed.

Art is my life. I remembered the days when I was sad, or happy, creating arts is where I express how i truly feel inside. But now. . . It just stopped. Just like that. I tried to look back and tracked where it started to stop. I found out, it was when i began to feel lonely, when i began looking for someone else. I was looking for a partner in life.

I think everybody passes thru this pace, or most in general. I yearned to be in someone's arms, i yearned to have somebody special in my heart. Guess what, i actually found someone! And finding that someone, made me lose two important things in my life.

My Passion and My First Love. 

I am not saying that it's his fault that made me lose two of the most important things in my life, what I'm trying to say is, it's my fault. It wasn't him who made me stopped doing the things i love, I chose to stop to have more time with him. It wasn't him who made me stop loving my First Love first, it was my choice to put him ahead of my First Love. These were my choices, it wasn't his, it was mine, and I am responsible for my own choices.

Having someone special in my life is a huge blessing, it was never a curse. My First Love gave him as a gift to me. He's my blessing and I am happy that I have him. :) What I'm not happy about is that, how irresponsible I am to just focus on the blessing and forgot about the Giver and all those other important things in my life. . . Too much emotions, too much dependency, too much care. . Too much, was never healthy.

Having someone special in one's life is a blessing, but if that blessing is misused, it can hurt badly. I can't believe that having someone special can be lonely. I thought having a special someone will make me the happiest person in the world and not be lonely EVER. But. . . the thing is, he's human, just like me. Who gets tired, who's not perfect, who can't always be there, who can even fail me. I set aside my passion for arts and my First Love because i was too focused on my blessing, my special someone. .  and look at me now. Tired, unhappy, dysfunctional, unsatisfied, demanding, and would you be surprised, I am extremely lonely.

It's not that he's not there. He's ALWAYS there, but then, I still feel lonely. I feel unloved. I feel empty. I feel lost. I am lost. Why is it this way? Cause again, he's human, just like me. He alone can't feed my needs. . Cause for me to be happy, to be satisfied, I need to have my passion, to release my individuality, to express who I am, and I need to have my First Love, who gave him to me in the first place, my First Love who can only fill my heart's desires and the only One who can give me the security that I need. .  So that when the day comes that my special one would fail me, i still have that security that i need to have the strength to forgive him and to actually still accept him and be my blessing despite his imperfections. <3

I'm bringing them back in my life. . . My Passion and my First Love, that's my own choice.

Relationships

There is no perfect relationship, only faithful relationships. :)