Sea of Broken Dreams

I want to paint.

I want to produce children’s storybooks. I want to paint a smile on people’s faces through my work. I want people to feel the warm embrace of Jesus through the pieces that my hands make.

Childhood dreams of going far and wide to the endless spaces of the midnight sky filled with shining stars. I thought nothing could stop me from reaching my dreams, riding clouds on blissful winds.

But I grow older each year. I slowly, painfully, realize, that maybe, it just won’t happen.

The passion that once painted my skies pink, turned to grey. The hopeful gaze in my eyes, slowly faded away. 

I am getting older. That’s a fact that I cannot manipulate or change. Time is ticking, age is growing, passion is fading, dreams are falling.

Is there still hope? Or will my mornings be filled of regrets and daily toiling for finances just to pay off debts and necessities?

If God placed this dream in my heart, gave me the passion to create and spread His love, blessed me the hands that could paint His beauty, then why. Why am I not doing what I dreamt to be doing?

I wake up with no direction, no zeal, no art. I yearn to spread my wings. But how can I? When it is locked with responsibilities of adulthood?

Am I capable of reaching my dreams? When my mind is stuck in the past of hopes and dreams. Is everything just a myth, a life filled with disappointments and hurt? What is my dream?

It’s gone. It drowned in the sea of burdens, regrets, disappointments, responsibilities, finances, painful relationships, and consistent daydreams.

My heart is broken.

I don’t know how to get up from this.

I can’t see the silver lining.

The rainbows are hiding.

The stars are falling.

I am drowning in the sea of broken dreams.

Goodbye Sadness

Sadness is my daily challenge.

Ever since I was little, sadness has been my struggle. Its a question that I ask myself up to now, “Why am I always sad?" The older I get, the harder it gets.

Its a weird kind of sadness, its a sadness that makes me want to run away from life and basically just end it. Imagine a ten or eleven year old thinking of ways to end her life, when she should be out playing and enjoying life. Don’t get me wrong, I have wonderful parents who love me and siblings who care for me. They’re amazing people and they are not the reason of my sadness, actually, they’re my greatest supporters and encouragers to live and be happy.

This sadness.. This is my battle, my battle inside of me.

When I was young, every week I was sad. Now being in my 20s, everyday I fight with sadness. I think my being an artist, has a big connection to this battle. Waking up and staying happy until I sleep is a dream for me.

And dreams come true, not everyday, but they come true. :)

God.. God has been my strength, my hope, and my greatest foundation. He never left me and He is my reason why I am still alive today, breathing, living. He’s my sunshine during my stormy childhood days; and now all grown up, He sent me an angel. :)

Everyday I wake up with a message that he is there and that God loves me. Everyday reminding me that life is beautiful and I have to live because someday we’ll get married. God sent me an angel, who makes sure i have no space for sadness, as much as he can. Who reminds me everyday that I am a wonderful and talented artist, a beautiful woman. Who always gives me the positive side of every problem. Who makes it a point to see me everyday, even for a short time, just so that I won’t feel lonely.

I really wanted to give up on myself, but God sent me this angel who showers me with so much love. Love that is so selfless and pure. Love that makes me go back to God, that shows me glimpses of what God’s love is.

The more that this person loves me, the more that I look to God. This precious gift of God that helps me want to live life to its fullest. I can never thank God enough for my best friend, my lover. :) 

When i wake up, i still feel that sadness, but this time, I am fighting. Because someone is fighting with me. :)

Thank you God for this wonderful man,my future husband. <3

Special Fairytale

In each little girl's heart, there is one fairytale that never leaves her heart.

I have watched all the Disney Fairytales and maybe several love stories, but there is one fairytale that is too close to my heart that always brings joy into my heart whenever I watch it. I have watched it countless of times and I never get tired of it. From the graphics, to the music, to the story, to the colours, to the voices, to the smallest details of her crown, i love it.

Whenever I need inspiration to draw or to do anything creative, I make sure Disney's Tangled is playing on my background. But there are several scenes, that always makes me watch no matter what I am doing. :)

The First Scene: The opening song.

I love how artistic Rapunzel is. Isolated in a tower, all she can do is create things, and creating things is endless! I mean she baked, read books, made candles, made dresses, cooked, knitted, did ballet, pottery, sketched, painted walls. .  she painted a lot. But. .  in the end of the day, she knew there was something more than the things she created. She wanted to know what was "out" there. I can't help but feel the same way. . . There is so much creativity inside of me, and i love it to bits! But, i can't help but have the feeling of wanting something more than what I can imagine. I want to "see" what is out there.

The Second Scene: When the Rapunzel Healed Eugene's Hand.

Eugene finished Rapunzel's song. . . He didn't let go of her hair. It felt deep for me. Rapunzel showed him her deepest secret, she thought more about his needs and risked the fact that he will freak out. Her hair was her identity, it was her whole being. She showed Eugene who she really was. . and Eugene's reaction was priceless. He was honest enough to almost freak out, but he didn't get scared :) Most men get scared the moment women open up to them. . When Rapunzel shared her story of not leaving the tower, Eugene's question, "You never left that tower. . and You're still gonna go back?" He listened. He saw her heart. :) Most men miss the heart of women.

I loved the moment Rapunzel went near and listened intently when Eugene opened up. Most women does all the talking, and men barely talk because most women forget that they should listen as well and its most likely that its only them that their man would ever open up to. They miss that beautiful moment because of their selfishness. Yes I am guilty.

Lastly, when Rapunzel was smiling and Eugene had to take his attention off of her. :) Such a romantic moment. A lady's smile is what makes her beautiful, i think a lot of women has forgotten this.

The Third Scene: When the King sheds a tear before they release the lantern.

I can't get over the fact that a man. A dad. A high positioned man, a king - teared up. The Queen didn't cry, the King, the father did. This scene feels so real to me. . . A man is crying, while a woman is comforting, that's something deep that i couldn't explain. The love of a father for his daughter is priceless. I wonder where those men are. There are just too much single moms. Where are the men who has a father's heart? Such a rare find. The King's love reminds me so much of God's love for me. .  . :)

The Fourth Scene: The Floating Lights

The music. The scenery. The moment. The midnight sky. Its priceless. I would never ever get tired of this scene.

"Where are we going?"

"Best day of your life, I think we should have a decent seat."

"I'm terrified. What if its not everything I would dream it would be?"

"It will be."

He was there for her. At the time when she is about to face her biggest dream, at a time when she is so scared, when she starts to doubt herself, he was there. He was there and assured her that her dream is beautiful to the point that he even got lanterns for both of them. .  its like him saying, "I am with you in this, i believe in what you believe in, you can do it.". . its simply, wow.

The moment the music plays, I can't help but feel like I am where Rapunzel is. This is a dream wedding for me. .  to have floating lights. The floating lights is quite symbolic. . When she saw the lights, she saw her dream, but the moment she let go of her own lantern, she let go of her childhood dream for a new one. .  :) Its that time that i felt that she let go of her being a child and embraced a new chapter of her life. I want to let go of a lantern the moment i tie a knot with my future spouse. I want to let go of my single life and openly embrace marriage life.

I can't help but think about how Rapunzel must've felt when she saw the lights, her dream ever since she was a little child. . . and how she let it go with someone special. :) I wonder what felt more magical.

When Rapunzel showed Eugene his crown, his most prized possession, he put it down. He gave it up for her; that crown was his pride, that was his life, that was his trophy. When it was Eugene's part of the song,  I saw how much of a prince he was. :) When he stared at Rapnuzel with a smile, it was so romantic. :) It amazing how a man falls in love with a woman. . How he gives up a lot of things just for her :) He held her hand, at that moment he has decided to pursue her. But he knew that he could not love her fully unless he lets go of his past life. He didn't kiss her just yet. :) He respected her. He knew he wasn't worthy of her love yet, he took responsibility just for her. Its simply beautiful. . . Respect is the true meaning of love.

The floating lights on the midnight sky, simply amazing... In real life, it would be amazingly breathtaking.

For now, I will end it here. I'm just so happy at the moment thinking about the lights. :) Will continue to write about the other scenes soon... :)

The Fifth Scene: When Eugene died on the tower, the silence.
The Sixth Scene: The Hug after Eugene opened his eyes.
The Seventh Scene: When The guard opened the doors.
The Eighth Scene: When the Queen and King saw Rapunzel for the first time.

<3

Forgotten Happily Ever Afters

Every little girl had dreamt of a happily ever after. Growing up, sometimes they cling to it, and some forget about them, but happily ever afters surely has a part in each of their hearts.

As these little girls grow up, they slowly see the reality of life. That there is no glass shoe, there is no beast, there is no prince charming, and there is no floating lights. As men began to love them, they forget about the love that they once dreamt of when they were little. Love that is so pure and so innocent. The innocence of love is a rare gem to find.

I was once that little girl. I even dreamt of being with a prince charming! That maybe someday, I could marry a prince. But you know, being a prince charming is not about the title, but its about a man's heart. I still yearn and believe on my Happily ever after. It might not be as magical as the ones on the cartoons that i once watched. . but i know that happily ever afters exist. The innocence of love, despite our stained generation, is still alive in the hearts of the chosen men, who decided to love in purity and not in lust.

I may have made my own mistakes, but I know that there is still hope for an innocent love. Innocent love that is full of joy, full of love, full of pureness, full of kindness, care, trust, and mostly, respect. I believe in Happily Ever Afters, and I know, someday I will tie the knot with my prince charming. :)

Pray for the Philippines

I'm Okay

Loneliness.

It is one of the things that dig deep in the heart.

I think I just lost my connection to my best friend, and its such a hard thing to move on with. There's so much that I want to cover it up with, but i think the only one that could cover it up is to keep on working. Being an emotional person isn't so easy. It's actually quite insane to face life without telling anyone how your day was or how things are going thru. But I guess is the best for both of us. :)

It just hurts so much, endless nights of crying. Losing a connection with your best friend is really depressing. Actually its rather really painful. There's no one to talk to now, only journals and endless shallow conversations with other people. I think I got really hurt deep inside. I think the walls are up again. I don't want anyone in there anymore.

So many disappointments, so many changes, so many insecurities. This is what happens when the connection just disappears. I'm very happy tho for my best friend. Best friend has a better life now and has the things that I wish I had. I guess it's really time to let go and not let anyone in for awhile.

Yes this is rather quite depressing. Cause it really is. Can't stop crying. Everything changed. It hurts but i guess its for the better, but it doesn't mean I won't get hurt and be depressed.

Such a sad season of my life. Such sadness eating me inside. I should prepare myself for food and movies, find a way to hide the scar inside.

Smile bandaids, we meet again.

I'm okay.

<3

Music & Art

Hey, Shirielise is the name, and right now, I'm very inspired and I think the artist in me just wants to speak out from the bottom of her heart, this is quite rare, for the artist inside of me usually hides, scared of rejection of the craft she made out of her heart.

I am twenty-three and if you ask me what is my ambition is, this is what I would say. My dream is to sing and to create arts.

Yes.

As simple as that.

Ever since I was a kid, I knew I was different. I knew I see things differently, I knew that I would be an outcast at some point. I was actually, several times, and this is why the artist inside of me learned how to hide and sometimes it comes out sincerely, just like now.

I am writing this to tell you what is in my mind when I am inspired, when the artist in me isn't hiding.

I want to sing. The only reason why I want to sing is because I want people to hear what God has given me. I want people to feel the love that God has showered upon my life, and i want people to hear the sweetness of the Lord. When I was still small, around 5 or 6. I know I offered my voice to the Lord. If i sing, I only sing His music. I sing because I love Him. I sing because I want Him to sing through me. That is why i sing. That is the only reason why I sing. When I sing I want them to feel the Holy Spirit, I want them to feel how beautiful it is to be in the arms of the Father, how intimate He is. How near He really is. I want to sing with feelings, with emotions, with passion. Not just anything ordinary, not just any song. I want people to hear my heart and He is dwelling in my heart. I want my voice to be the embrace that God wants to give to His children. I want my voice to be His tunnel, His bridge to let people hear His love for them intimately.

I want to draw. I want to draw digitally. I've always want to draw. I've always wanted to draw but I wasn't good at it. My hands were too heavy. But thank God, He showed me digital arts, and that was my medium. My medium to show people the beauty that God has created. I wanted to create illustrations that show the love of God. I wanted to place who I am entirely on what i draw. I wanted to hear that when people see my art, they'll say, "Hey! that's shiriel's! That's her art, that's her!" and when they see my craft. .  I want them to feel what I felt when I made it. I want them to be happy. :) I want them to feel God's love and touch. I want them see peace and rest, I want my art to bring comfort to them, to make them stop for awhile, to think, and to thank God of His goodness. I want to draw, because this is my communion with God. Whenever I draw digitally, I can feel God with me, I can feel Him working with me, speaking to me. This is why I draw digitally. It's like another world that God is showing me.

This is why I do arts. This is why I sing.

On top of that. My biggest dream would be, to have a coffee shop. A coffee shop that would be a home for artists. That would give them a place of belongingness. Where they could create their own world, where they could reveal the artist in them without anyone holding them back, to give them a palace of encouragement and inspiration. A place of art, music, and coffee, and most of all, a place where God's love is shown in so many ways. :) This is my biggest dream.

Quite frankly. I don't know how to start. I don't know where to sing. I don't know where to show my digital arts. I don't know. But He does. I'm getting older, but my faith will never falter. God said, He'll never fail me, He'll never leave me and He has a future so bright for me. I am His little artist. I know He is proud of me. I know I am God's Smile. and I am His song. I will never stop showing people the Love of the Lord that He wants to give so freely. I will never stop believing. Even If I fail. Even If I fall, even if I lose so many things. I will cling to Him. I will face these mountains with Him and He will be my greatest destination. I will live up these dreams. Just because.

Just because I love Him and He made me an artist.

And I love every single bit of how He has created me. <3

I love you Daddy God. <3