I compromise, I make lots of excuses, I can be pretty lazy, I ignore, but most of all I don't listen when it doesn't make sense in my head.
Ever since I was a kid, my father has taught me to read the Bible and pray. I like praying and singing to God, but reading the Bible? That's my biggest problem. Still I read the Bible, but usually, its out of, you know, obeying. I had a happy childhood, I am a very bright and smiley and colorful kid, I saw life full of happiness and I knew life is beautiful.
Until, I grew up.
Everything changed. Busy here, busy there. Cramming here, cramming there. Stress, pressure, sleepless nights. Everything just changed. The once happy-go-lucky girl became skeptical and pessimistic. The worst I guess is, I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying to God. I began to doubt.
I saw the Bible as paper. A normal book, something educational, something stressful for me to even read. I don't like books without pictures, it bores me, and somehow that's how I saw the Bible and so I began to set it aside. I continued to pray, I continued to minister, but i barely opened the Bible.
A time came into my life that i began to get depressed. Continuous disappointments and major changes in life is not easy to handle especially when one is too emotional. I began to tire people because of my needs and i began to cry without even knowing why I'm crying. I stopped seeing art as something i love to do, i began to push people away. I even thought of ending my life cause i feel like nothing good will come out of this life.
I told my dad about it, every single detail of it. He knows how much i want to give up on life, but this he never fails to tell me, "God will never give up on you, He is full of mercy and grace, He accepts you despite your imperfections and failures. Life is beautiful when you have God." Hearing that, I knew I had to open my Bible.
Still I was skeptical. The Bible is JUST a book. What can it do? Yeah i read it, but how can it make me feel better? It's just a book. Text written in paper. What difference does it make with the other books? It just doesn't make sense. This is not the answer to the happiness that I am looking for.
I kept looking for other things. Friends. Games. Money. You know, those things that i thought could fill my empty heart, and yet everything is just unsatisfying. No happiness, no beautiful life. I continued to feel downhearted every single day.
Until one day.
I finally decided to give it a try. Okay. I opened my Bible, i said i'll only read a verse but. . the next thing i know, I've read three chapters. It's quite interesting, but i still felt no changes. I went on with my day. . . but as i end my day, i realized something. It's different.
I saw life differently. I don't get it. I just read my Bible, and what i read was totally not connected to what i was doing that day. I don't know, but I was happy that whole day! My mood went up and down, but i didn't stay down, i had the strength to get up! I thought it was just coincidence. So i tried it again the next day. And there! same thing! i was happy! Satisfied!
I was thinking maybe it wasn't the Bible, maybe i just really changed! So I began to not read my Bible again; and one thing I've noticed. I went back to being depressed.
I can't explain this much longer or more detailed, I don't understand it as well. How reading the Bible makes me see the beauty of life. How it makes me feel happy. I don't know, it doesn't make sense; But one thing I know, there are just things in life that we really can't understand. Just like how love suddenly comes into our life, how one person whom we never expect to come, changes our life, how one disaster in our life brings out the biggest blessing there could ever be. It just doesn't make sense, but it happens, and it never fails to make us look up, smile, and thank Him.
All we have to do is listen and obey, even if it doesn't make any sense, and surely everything else will fall into its perfect place. :)
And oh! Add it with prayer? Your day would never be the same again. Everyday is indeed a new day, a simple prayer that makes my life exciting, "Holy Spirit, please guide me today. I want to hear and obey." <3
